Overcoming Cold Feet - Facing My Wedding Fears

When I first started a relationship with my partner (well maybe not at the VERY beginning, but somewhere along the line) I told him that we’d probably never get married. That I didn’t see the point of marriage in modern day society. It was a way for parents to sell their daughters to a suitor in the past, a sexist idea I just couldn’t come to terms with. And while I understood why some people liked the idea, having a big day all about you as a couple to show your love, I cringed and shivered at the thought of it.

Why would I ever want a day of being center of attention? I HATE having eyes on me, being in the spotlight is torture. I barely showed public affection, let alone kiss in front of everyone I know. And moreover, to spend thousands of dollars on something that lasts a few hours and then is over and money poured straight down the drain (or at the very least into everyone’s alcoholic stomachs). The idea was horrible.

Childhood trauma probably played a role in this. Until recent years, I did not have any knowledge of a couple that were happily married aside from my grandparents… but that was my grandmothers second marriage and third major relationship (major as in having had a child with the partner). I love that she found someone perfect for her and supporting her, but even then, it took her a while to find the one. Everyone else I knew was either single, in a broken marriage, separated, or just not happy. My family had even gone through a divorce when I was in my early teens, and I couldn’t imagine putting my heart at risk of going through that.

Over time, I realized that it wasn’t so much for me that we would get married, but rather for my partner. I felt as if I would dread every minute of it, but he wanted the moment and he wanted to call me his wife, so I knew I would have to come around to the idea. There was a few times where he would call me “wife” just to desensitize me to the word. It’s a trick from animal training, and I feel like it actually worked. Trying my best to put things in a different perspective and alter my entire mindset, I focused on wrapping my head around the idea of a wedding… and an enjoyable one.

I started YouTube, which honestly has been the reason behind so much of the progress I’ve made in becoming a more confident person. With time, being in front of the camera let me adjust to the idea of everyone having eyes on me, without the actual stress of it happening right then and there. Then my best friend got married, and I saw how lovely her day was (stress aside, because there was also a lot of that), and she is happy.

I’ve also learnt of a few couples in happy marriages since then. Not many, but a handful. They give me hope.

Now, I’m excited. I love planning and creating. If I was more confident and outgoing, I would love to be an event planner or someone that designs special occasions. Unfortunately I am WAY too shy for that, even still despite my efforts to change over the years. But now I can plan an event exactly the way I want it (with a few pieces of input from Luke of course), down to every last tiny detail. I’m still terrified of the actual event (walking down that aisle is going to have me sweating bullets under my dress), but I’m very much coming around to the idea.

And it’s lucky, because it’s finally happening (well, in a year and a half)!

October 20, 2022

That’s the day we walk down the aisle (well I walk, Luke sort of just stands there awkwardly) and tie the knot. I used to feel like weddings were a precursor to failure in a relationship, but now I know that whatever happens will happen, and the act of getting married isn’t going to change that. I love Luke, he loves me, we have already started our little family and we want our love to be official on paper. Plus he wants to call me his wife. I’ll probably keep calling him babe until we are grey and wrinkly.

The planning has begun. I’ve already done one round of wedding dress shopping and found the potential dress.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-xgnTJD3-g

We’ve picked a date and venue after touring all the venues in the Swan Valley area that we liked the look of.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8KBjNmkP8E

We’ve applied for a loan to get the ball rolling and start the budgeting process.

I’ve even started the wedding website and registry wish list.

A lot to do, and so much time, yet time is already slipping away from me. I can’t wait to get into the depths of wedding planning and have so much fun creating the perfect event for us.