Babies are as old as humanity itself…

Originally published January 16, 2019

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This is something I wrote a while ago, that I forgot about and just now stumbled across once again. It was written on the 17th of July, 2018. A LOT has changed since then. I’m still not sure what was going through my mind back then.

People have babies all the time. The tradition is as old as humanity itself.

Obviously.

So why is it so hard to decide when to have a baby? Why can people not just say, “Today is the day, let’s conceive.” Why is it that all these doubts and thoughts and opinions have to swirl through minds constantly, wreaking havoc on the emotions of the prospective parents?

I know that if I wanted a baby right now, it wouldn’t be the main things stopping me. Most people would probably worry about the expenses of having a kid, the commitment, the inability to work and achieve dreams and aspirations. Giving up travel, that seems to be a big con of having a kid.

My problem wouldn’t be any of that. I love kids, I’ve always known I wanted a kid, even back when I was a tiny girl that thought pashing was disgusting. I was going to adopt. Even when I started noticing the male half of the human race, I thought if I couldn’t find a guy by the time I was in my 30s, I would find a way to adopt or foster children. I knew I wanted to have children, and I wanted to be around long enough to see their children, and their children’s children.

I have hundreds of goals in life, but only one truly stretches for my entire life (well, assuming I die of old age). I’ve always had the goal of seeing my great grandkids grow up. At least a little bit. I hear plenty of women my mums age saying that they wish they’d done things differently; wished they’d travelled more or gone further with their work before having kids. Yet when I look past that generation, I see something different. I see the grandparents that wish for those things as well, but then their daughter gets pregnant, or their granddaughter, and suddenly they just want to be around long enough to see that tiny life grow into a much bigger one.

I would easily sacrifice travel now for a life of family and love when I’m old and weary. I see both sides of the coin; I see the way mothers are trapped by their children, unable to do the things they want in the way they once wanted. I respect them for their sacrifices, and I’m glad my mum gave up those things to have me, because otherwise I wouldn’t even be here.

But I also see the other side of things. I see my partner’s grandma growing frail with age, and I know there’s not much chance she’ll be around to see her great grandkids. His older brother is saying four years with his partner, and we aren’t looking at having children any time soon. It saddens me that she’ll never get to see that side of life, that she’ll just be a story to tell my kids, someone they never met and just know odd things about.

Then there’s the younger parents and grandparents. I was the responsible one the other night, going out sober to make sure my mum and her friends got a lift home safe. And with the party was a lovely lady that looked way to young to be a grandmother… yet just the weekend before she’d gone out with her grandson that had just turned 18. She danced beside me with the rest of our group, had a man offer to buy her a drink, and I believe even did the splits twice (I mean, I saw one of them do the splits, and I’m mostly sure it was the grandmother I speak of, but that was at the start of the night before I had fully remembered their faces).

Her grandson is 18, starting adulthood, and she’s still fit and healthy enough to go out two weekends in a row having a great time. She has a much better chance at meeting her great-grandies than my partner’s grandma does. I would much rather live her life, having kids and grandkids early on, so that I can enjoy my later years and have the joy and wonder of seeing each new family member enter the family and grow into these amazing, beautiful people.

Yes, having kids early means sacrificing a lot. Having kids later also means a lot of sacrifice too. It’s a hard balance, and I don’t know if there is some point in the middle that means the best of both worlds. But that is a personal choice each couple must make. Some people prefer to travel, spend nights out late drinking and having fun, or maybe work on getting that promotion and reaching some goal in work long before they stop and start a family. Some people just live for their families, and wouldn’t think twice about all that other stuff, as long as they get to see their kids. The former isn’t something that would stop me from having a kid, though it may stop some people. But that’s not the only factor upcoming parents must consider.

Finance is a big one. My situation right now is a bad one, financially. I’m currently living in a rental with my best friend and her partner, but everything is about to change. I already have a low income. I’m studying full time at Uni, have a crappy cash babysitting job that pays hardly anything (but I love looking after the kid, so I don’t really mind). And now my best friend’s mum has been evicted. Her life suddenly took a turn for the worst, and my best friend has decided to move in with her mum to give her a helping hand.

I respect her choice, and we talked it out. It’s caused some stress on our relationship, probably more stress than we’ve ever had to deal with, but we are too close to let that come between us. So we are breaking lease, she’s taking on as much of the financial responsibility of that choice as she can, since it’s her mum, but it’s still hard on me. I’ve still got to cover some of the costs of the break lease. Our other housemate has moved out so rent has gone up. Centrelink has gone down. My surgery has thrown me back into the negatives if it weren’t for a loan from my Aunt. And to make matters worst I couldn’t work after the surgery and missed out on a month of cash, which hurt no matter how crappy the pay was.

And now I have to find money for a new bond on a new place that I have to afford myself. I’m going slowly more and more broke, I have health issues popping up that need solving, and that takes money. I have to suddenly cover the bills and rent on this house, while also covering the rent on my new place, the bills are all my own, and I have to cover everything myself. A lot of financial responsibility is on my shoulders, and I’m a pancake under all that weight.

Definitely not the financial life necessary for having a kid. My partner has a job… but it just started, and it’s casual despite the verbal guarantee of full time hours. Basically, there’s nowhere in writing saying he won’t be sacked at a moments notice. And he hasn’t even started work yet, so he mightn’t even get that first pay check. We are not financially ready for a kid, and I imagine that is the case for a LOT of parents out there.

Maybe if we both had full time jobs, but then the female in the relationship doesn’t really want to work in the last leg of pregnancy, and sometimes the start of pregnancy can be just as taxing on her body (and therefore on her career). The woman has it tough, and the thought of not being able to work can hit hard. Generally, people live to what they can afford. If they have two full time incomes, then that’s reflected through their rent and their living expenses. Suddenly dropping to one income can hit HARD, and the fear of that could be a good enough reason not to try for a kid.

Sometimes I think I’m lucky that I don’t have a good job. There’s certain things you learn, living a normal life on a tight budget, that I’d never have learnt had I had the money from the

beginning.

But if I was pregnant, and money got tight, I would find a way to cope. I’d find myself a job between Uni classes or put Uni off for a semester. I’d move in with family to cut renting costs if possible. I’d go to people for help, budget more, save more, do everything in my power to better prepare for that tiny, incredibly expensive life that I was about to bring into this cruel, financially depressing world. And I think most parents would try to do that, try to make the best choice they could in their unique circumstances.

I don’t think finance is really an issue, not unless you’re living at the extreme end of the scale. It’s something that can cause a lot of stress and hardship for many people, but when push comes to shove, people can get through it. For me, finance isn’t a problem. I’d have no problem working my life out to better fit changing circumstances. I know I’ll always find a way to do what I truly want in life, and everything else can be manoeuvred and worked around.

Preparedness is a problem all in itself for many people. Some people just don’t know what to do with a kid. My partner is one of these. He’s the youngest sibling of a pair, and lives with his mum, his aunt, and his grandmother. He’s never been around or had any experience with children, and I think they just terrified him at first. I remember when I babysat my niece and nephew once, and my partner was with me. I chucked him in the deep end and just handed him a child while I got the other out of the car. He looked terrified, held the kid like it was some foreign radioactive poison, and probably didn’t like me very much for a while after.

He’s still not great with kids, but with me being a babysitter and him occasionally getting dragged into babysitting with me, he is slowly getting better. But there must be a lot of people out there that have never been around children, have no connection to children, and just have absolutely no idea what children are really like or how adults are meant to interact with them. Even I’m awkward around a stranger’s child, not sure how their parent expects me to act. And I have had a lot more experience than most people.

A lot has changed since I wrote this post. I got pregnant accidentally 4 months after writing this post. And my situation hadn’t changed much. I live now with my partner, paying 80% of the rent on my own without a job (I had one for a while but it fell through). I don’t know how I’ve stayed on top of everything, but I’m hoping life will change in the next 5 months before bub shows up.

The fear of not knowing what to do with a child must scare some people off having them. There’s ways around that fear. Babysitting, offering to look after a young family member or friend for a bit, even with parental supervision. Groups and classes are also known to be a big help in preparing for children and knowing the ins and outs of what to do (nappies really aren’t all that terrifying, and it honestly doesn’t matter if you put them on backwards, the boy I babysit has new nappies and I honestly put them on backwards every second time I change him, because I’m not sure which way round they go).

All that wouldn’t even scare me. There’s only one thing that completely and utterly terrifies me when I think of my future and any children I want to have. Well maybe not one particular thing, but many, many things all looking at me with judgement.

Those things are the eyes, eyes that hold the thoughts and opinions of those around me.

That’s the biggest hurdle I’ll ever have to face in my life. I don’t care what my life is like or what happens, I only care that my friends and family respect me and my choices. I can deal with outsiders and strangers giving me stares (I mean, I got stared at when I was still in school and my grandma left me alone with my niece for five minutes, and the world suddenly saw this young teen with a baby girl and put two and two together to make five). The mere thought of my family thinking I’d made a mistake is enough to scare me off children forever (almost, let me restate that a few years down the track and see what I think then). I don’t know how anyone can bring a kid in the world knowing that their family would condone that decision.

My family would love my child no matter what, but oh my goodness they would not love the decision that lead that child into existence. I don’t know how my mum did it, or my grandma, or any female in existence for that matter. And I know there are heaps of women out there that would be feeling the complete opposite. Women that don’t want kids in the near future, or possibly ever, that are under constant pressure from friends and family to have kids and give them grandies to love. The social pressure is by far the worst aspect to having a child, in my opinion.

I just hope that when the time comes, I do have my family’s support, and my partner’s family’s support. That matters a lot to me, and as long as I have that, everything else can work itself out. I hope future mums and dads have everything work out for them too, that despite the challenges thrown in their way, they manage to come through on top and fall in love with their tiny child. Comment below or get in contact if you’re a parent or want-to-be-parent facing some of these struggles. Let me know what is on your mind, and what fears you had to overcome. Sharing these fears with others makes us feel less alone in the world and lets us know there are others out there going through the same turmoil of emotions as we are.

I do know that all those thoughts and opinions were recently racing through my head. And the biggest thing, just as I expected, was the opinions my family and friends had for me. It was by far the biggest struggle I’ve overcome, keeping this baby against all their advice and wisdom. Even my partner agreed with them, and did not want me to keep the baby (in the beginning anyway). It was the hardest time of my life, reaching this point where everyone is more welcoming of my pregnancy and open to me keeping the baby. But we are here now, and can only go forwards now.